Envy is everywhere.
We live in a world with unlimited access to everyone around the world, doing everything, all of the time.
It’s hard to avoid this feeling of envy when we’re constantly bombarded on social media seeing people doing interesting things, living the life we want to live, and having talents that we could only dream of.
The girl you met once at a party is now a famous "Instagram Poet," making a living exploring "the labyrinth of the human mind." Meanwhile, you’re exploring the labyrinth of a million tabs open on your browser stuck between researching your new business idea, a rough draft of an opinion piece, and a half finished application for your dream job.
Envy is a thorn of the mind, an unsettling itch we try to ignore rather than scratch.
But what if our envy could teach us something?
Envy is a disquieting emotional cocktail, a blend of desire and discontent that we often shove into the darkest corners of our psyche. Yet, if we shine a light on it, we might just uncover hidden treasures of appreciation and insight.
While envy is the yearning to own what someone else possesses, appreciation lets us admire what they have without wanting to make it our own.
But why do we admire things about people?
The golden shadow
According to psychoanalyst Carl Jung, our “Golden Shadow” is a projection of qualities we admire in others, and these are often unacknowledged or undeveloped aspects of ourselves.
When we find ourselves in awe of someone's talent, skill, or character, it may be a reflection of our own untapped potential. This admiration can serve as a form of unconscious recognition that we, too, have the capacity for such qualities—it's as if our subconscious is saying, “Look, you could be this too.”
For example, I've been endlessly fascinated by the artistry of Frank Ocean, a singer-songwriter known for his emotive vocal range and introspective lyrics. Instead of letting this admiration turn into envy, I can choose to see it as my “Golden Shadow” casting light on unexplored areas of my own creativity, and take steps towards fulfilling it.
By acknowledging and embracing what we admire, we not only appreciate others but also pave the way for our own growth and self-actualisation.
The repressed self
Growing up I knew I was a creative person, but I never had the courage to pursue any of my creative callings—whether that was being a musician, a writer, or an entrepreneur.
I ignored them all and picked a comfortable career in Software Engineering that afforded me all the safety and security in the world. It kept me alive on the outside, but killed me on the inside.
Over time, a sense of unfulfilled creativity continued to gnaw at me. It was like a constant background noise every time I consumed content that spoke to my shelved dreams.
I would listen to my favourite authors and entrepreneurs like Tim Ferriss and Derek Sivers on podcasts, watch interviews of my favourite musicians like Childish Gambino, read biographies of people who changed the world like Steve Jobs, and be in awe of all these smart, talented people living interesting lives.
But through all my consumption, I realised that these people were no different than me—they just happened to have figured out who they wanted to be and took steps to become that person.
“Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you, and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use.”
— Steve Jobs
The idealised self
Our heroes are our idealised selves.
For example, one of my heroes is Derek Sivers—an entrepreneur, musician, and writer known for his multifaceted talents and unique life philosophy. Rather than pursuing entrepreneurship for profit or prestige, he founded CD Baby to genuinely assist fellow musicians in distributing their work. He stepped into the business world with a real purpose, focusing on a community he truly cared about.
As a writer, Sivers stands out through simplicity and insight. He combines storytelling with practical advice, boiling down complex ideas into easily understandable lessons. His concise yet impactful writing serves as a thoughtful oasis in an otherwise noisy world.
In terms of lifestyle, it seems as if he's carved out a fulfilling life for himself, one where he does what he loves, associates with those who matter to him, and engages in projects that truly pique his interest.
The actualised self
In the past several years, I’ve started to reclaim exiled parts of myself by noticing who I admired, why I admired them, and taking steps to become my own version of that.
There’s parts of me want to write, parts of me that want to sing, parts of me that want to act, and parts of me that want to solve a problem to serve a community I care about.
The times in my life when I’m actively working towards these goals, I stop feeling dead inside. This made me realise that it’s not about emulating the success of my heroes nor is it about achieving any arbitrary goals—it’s about a way of living according to my values.
By observing my heroes like Sivers and Ocean, I've uncovered not just their skills and achievements but the underlying values and traits that fuel them—authenticity, creativity, a sense of purpose, and the courage to diverge from societal norms. These figures serve as mirrors reflecting the qualities I long to bring into my own life.
Each of us has a fertile ground of untapped potential. When we admire our heroes, we're actually spotting dormant seeds within ourselves. It's a call to action—to nurture these seeds.
In this way, we don't just admire our heroes; we become our own.
Thanks to
, , and Diana Demco for amazing feedback and edits on this piece.
Great essay Hari! I love everything Jungian psychology-related, so learning about the Golden Shadow was fascinating. I’m gonna have to keep reading more about that.
Nice job with this essay! I like how you bring your heroes back down to earth and make them human. It's important to catch ourselves when we put others on a pedestal. I enjoy reading your honest and introspective writing